For some the effect on our self confidence is beyond measure and can cause long lasting damage to our self esteem and in turn our mental health. One way to combat this is to set definitive boundaries and this crops up in nearly all of my client therapy sessions. Our boundaries can help set the limits for what we are comfortable with. it sets the tone for what is acceptable behaviour for us and others. Boundaries also give others some indication of how far they can push us, make fun of us and take advantage of our good nature. 
You do not have to suffer in silence, whatever your age, it is not ok!

To chat further you can contact me via any of my social media pages or by emailing Demi@dstherapy.co.uk and please also visit www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk and find out more about Anti Bullying Week and the great work they do all year round.

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Demi x

Many of my Facebook and Instagram posts often look at boosting self esteem.. Self esteem is about the opinion we hold of ourselves. When we have healthy self esteem we often tend to to feel more positively about ourselves and consequently life in general. If our self esteem is low, it can mean we view life in a negative light. This can make it feel more difficult to face the challenges that life can often throw at us (Life can feel a little like a roller coaster, with bumps along the way).

The messages we hear from when we are growing up, from parents, teachers and those around us as well as social media more recently can influence this. I often think about children being a little like sponges in that they are super absorbent in holding onto these. 
Sadly our brains have a way of holding on these. 

Some of the common ones are:

• Not feeling good enough 
• Being hard on ourselves - having high expectations or finding it difficult to live up the expectations of others 

The more we recognise when we are allowing these messages to take the forefront of our minds, the quicker we can begin to work through these ( stopping them in their tracks) 

4 ways to tell if you have low self esteem
If we were working together on building your self esteem I would ask you to ask yourself the following 4 questions:
Do you see life in a negative light?
Words are powerful, not only those we speak out loud but the ones in our head too. The words and language we use that becomes tangled in our thoughts feelings and attitude so much so that these can mould the way we think about everything around us.
When the words that fill our mind are negative, the more they are listened too the greater the opportunity they have to reinforce themselves over time setting themselves deeply within our brains. 
There are various ways we can spot if we are experiencing destructive thinking 
How?

• Do you constantly blame yourself when bad things happen
• Are you someone who thinks of the worse case scenario when in a situation
• When approaching situations do you view things as perfect or a mess 
• Maybe if you mess up once then you see yourself as a failure with no middle ground
• Find yourself magnifying negative aspects of life/ situations dismissing the positive parts

If you answer yes to these then you quite possibly practice negative self talk. ( We are all guilty of this from time to time). These negative thinking patterns can cloud our vision, affect the way you view the world and yourself.

Do you hide away from social situations?
Poor self esteem can result in us believing we are not likeable or feeling unable to cope in social situations,holding negative expectations of what is going to happen 

This means we are likely to worry we  are going to embarrass themselves. There is often fear that if behaving in particular ways that this means others will think badly of us. When we take part  in social situations they engage in safety behaviours doing certain things in an attempt to avoid humiliation whilst others choose to not engage at all to allow them to feel safe this is a way of coping that will only be successful in the short term, if we are not able to take ourselves out of our comfort zone it can prevent us from being able to see that we can do well in these situations allowing the vicious cycle to continue. These avoidance behaviours come from a fear of failure, its better to not have tried at all than to fail. They may choose to do this as a way of preventing negative thoughts and feelings about themselves through being confined to a situation or event 

Do you value yourself 
When we are assertive it means we are able to express our thoughts, feelings and opinions, have the ability to set boundaries and say no. This can be extremely difficult to do if self esteem is low. We might feel we do not deserve to have an opinion, believe any opinions we have are not valid. If we do not see themselves as worthy it could mean we place the needs of those around us as a priority, sometimes at the expense of their own. Hiding the ' real you' in an attempt to:

• Please others
• Help you to fit in 
• Make yourself more likeable / likeable 
• Prevent rejection, embarrassment 

Are you hard on yourself 
Many of us can be hard on ourselves, blaming themselves for everything, being self critical, judging and punishing themselves negatively through magnifying their flaws or highlighting their mistakes. This often means that we overlook or discount the positives, often our own worst critics, but when it comes to other people are lenient and forgiving. Do you put pressure on yourself to be perfect through trying to please others, you might be excessively competitive, lash out if you make mistakes. These perfectionism behaviours lead people to believe if they are perfect this will mean they feel better about themselves and life will improve, such goals are unrealistic, achievable and can leave you feeling worthless.

Integrative Counselling can help with low self esteem issue and help you build your own coping toolkit.

You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram for more snippets of wisdom and feel free to reach out!

Demi x




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​I’ve written Facebook and Instagram posts for the last few days, about the importance of boundaries. I've focused so far on personal boundaries. ( I thought I would try and put the main takeaways into a blog ( if your anything like me and can't find anything twice, once I've scrolled past it, it's probably gone for good)

Boundaries are often thought about in terms of helping us to learn right from wrong. They can also help us to establish our comfort zones, what it is that we value when thinking about our own personal space and feeling safe.

Let's consider the workplace. This is one of the areas in life where there are likely to be guidelines, policies and procedures to help guide us, they will give us a framework, goals and targets to work towards, depending on what it is that you do to achieve the best possible outcomes.

As a counsellor/ therapist I adhere to the BACP ethical framework to help me ensure I am always working in your best interest.

Our boundaries can help set the limits for what we are comfortable with, it sets the tone for what is acceptable behaviour for us and others. They also give others some indication of how far they can put us, put you down, make fun of us and take advantage of our good nature

At times in our personal lives, we might neglect our own boundaries to please others and whilst it may make them happy it can mean we begin to feel anxious, resentful and angry.

Some common ones are:

• Working extra shifts to help out with staff storages
• Having shorter lunch breaks to get jobs done

The more that we recognise, when our boundaries are becoming blurred the quicker we can work to rebuild them.

When our personal boundaries are overstepped, it can mean that unhealthy boundaries are developed affecting the way we feel and think about ourselves, finding ourselves uncertain of us we are, before we know it our identity has become mixed up with others, lowering how worthy we feel, we can feel somewhat out of touch with our feelings.

Setting boundaries does not always come easily. It's often a skill that needs to be learned. As children, we often learn through observation and imitating the behaviour of those around us. If we didn't have anyone to show us the ropes (black country dialect) in other words model the behaviour expected from us it can be tough.

We all want to be liked, so it’s not uncommon when thinking about doing this, that we are met with some anxiety (we talk about this in our staying calm in the face of COVID blog) and feel scared that rebuilding boundaries will push people out of their lives or risk being called selfish. Putting you first doesn't make you selfish. It means you recognise that you can not ignore or deprioritise you and expect to have a self left.

Stick with it!

I know a lot about boundaries now, what do I do?
List the boundaries you want to rebuild or strengthen. This can help make the process more concrete in the form of a structured goal, consider what this looks and feels like right now, and how it will feel once it has been rebuilt.

Okay, but I wanted to be able to help myself how can I?

Begin with the following steps

Step 1 : Know your limits
Think about your experiences, past and present notice when things didn't feel comfortable for you, times when you felt frustrated with someone. This will help you to recognise when your boundaries and being crossed. You could also consider what actions you could take to lessen those feelings of discomfort to feel safe again.


Step 2 : Be assertive
Being assertive often means we need to explain what we want and need, this can be challenging if we are normally the people in agreement with others.

Start small.

• If at work you receive an email 5 minutes before leaving its time to go home, leave it till the following day allowing you to finish your working day on time
• Make a commitment to have a lunch break every day

Step 3 : Practice
It may feel strange, to begin with, remember we don't have endless amounts of energy, we are human and will feel tired, don't let keeping others happy mean they take away yours.

As always we are all individual, and what works for one person may not work for another. Please feel free to take what you need, adapting it to suit you and your needs.


Still have questions or want to discuss this further
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I wrote a Facebook and Instagram post only a few days ago, about how the level of stress we can handle feels much less than usual for us right now. When we are stressed, it can affect our ability to think rationally and to regulate our emotions, meaning the way we respond to situations is more chaotic or rigid than usual.

It is often the anxiety within us that responds first to stressful situations. 
It is the body's alarm and survival mechanism. Our body's way of attempting to protect us and response to danger. This happens whether the danger is real, or whether we believe the danger is there when there is none. ( I like to think of it as a button that is pushed when we are in danger that sometimes gets pushed at the wrong times or becomes a little stuck)

It's safe to say the Coronavirus has brought for many of us, massive amounts of anxiety, uncertainty and fear 

Before we know it we can find ourselves caught up in what if statements where our perceptions of situations and circumstances become skewed, developing patterns of thinking that are irrational, they are so subtle that it can be difficult to recognise them.

Some of the most common ones are:

• Catastrophizing / magnifying or minimising where we are expecting the worst-case scenarios, magnifying the negatives and minimising the positives that are present  
• Jumping to conclusions, asking what if this happens, what if that happens, being convinced of something with little or no evidence to support it

The more we can recognise that our thoughts aren’t always helpful, that thoughts are not fact and are often driven by our emotions and the way we feel.

I know more about stress and how this can influence my feelings and behaviour now what do I do?

Breathe 

When we are anxious we breathe shorter, shallower breaths so this it a way of calming giving our body the oxygen it needs 

Step 1: Place your hand on your tummy and breathe in slowly through your nose to fill your lungs with air. Imagining there is a balloon inside your tummy. Every time you breathe in, the balloon inflates. Notice the sensations in your tummy, your tummy rising with the in-breath.

Step 2: Now open your mouth and slowly blow all of the air back out of your lungs, when you breathe out the balloon deflates. Allow your tummy to sink. Notice the sensations in your tummy as it falls with the out-breath

Remember that thoughts will come into your mind, and that’s okay. 

We have that covered too!

Simply notice those thoughts, you don't have to follow them, judge yourself for having them or analyse them. Let them drift away as you bring your attention back to your breathing.


Okay, but I wanted to be able to help myself how can I?

Try and create some certainty for yourself with a new temporary routine that will help to calm any anxious gremlins that are going around in our heads.

In the morning 

•  Get dressed (helps with identity, sense of confidence and purpose). There’s nothing at all wrong with a PJ day or wearing your comfy’s on a Sunday afternoon if that's what you look forward to, but wearing them every day instead of clothes can leave us feeling sluggish, set the tone for the day and sometimes affect our mood
• Consider your environment, opening blinds or curtains, making your bed, keeping your rooms tidy (it can offer a sense of achievement) You could add some low maintenance plants such as aloe and peace lily to your rooms, the greenery and bursts of colour can give us a focus

During the day 

• Go outdoors, do some "Green exercise" this is any activity outdoors that means you are enjoying nature, in the presence of trees, an open sky, water, a garden, or other natural scenery. It could be walking, running, biking, rollerblading, taking your dog out to the park or gardening (it helps to lift our mood)
• Stay connected - Social distancing doesn't mean emotional distancing We don't have to emotionally distance ourselves. We need to be connecting with others. it is important we support, reassure and check in with each other. This might be through Facetime, a text message, telephone call or maybe a family quiz that you have organise to take place weekly
• Keep busy, plan one or two things to do during the day, this is likely to give your day some structure help you to feel a sense of control (it lowers stress levels, releases energy and helps with sleep
• Try to limit your time on social media. Use NHS and other government websites if you need to find out information. You can also turn off automatic news updates

In the evening 

• Create a 'Back at home' routine. If you are working from home at the moment, try to separate work from home. This might be through putting work-related items away, changing into more comfortable clothes or listening to your favourite playlist or audiobook.
• Plan some you time, some time to wind down and relax.
• Have a bedtime routine, so that your brain and body recognise and prepare for bed. 

We are all individual, and what works for one person may not work for another. Please feel free to take what you need, adapting it to suit you and your needs.

If you are accessing support through therapy/ counselling ask if your session can take place online or over the phone.  If you would like to discuss this further or anything covered in this blog

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When people think of  therapy/ counselling the image that often comes to mind two people in a room talking (I must give credit where it's due) it can look a lot like that if working face to face but it doesn't have to. Therapy/counselling can and does take place online. Many people have been a little skeptical about working in this way questioning whether it is 'proper' counselling.

The journey is totally individual and what works for one person, may not work for you. Whether you have tried face to face counselling and it wasn’t what you were after or it might not feel like an option for you right now, there are other ways to access support. I work via the online and via a webcam.

The practical side of it: Telephone counselling is pretty much as it sounds. You can use the zoom software to make calls which is free or use the 'normal’ telephone we can do this, it would mean that you would need to make the call and the costs of these. Webcam Counselling you'll need a device that has a webcam. It could be a laptop/ desktop, phone or tablet with a stable internet connection. If you've ever chatted to family and friends in Facetime it is a lot like communicating in that way.

I use Zoom or Vsee which is a confidential platform, accessible either via their website or app. I send out instructions (a step by step guide) on how to do this. I can also send an email link for each session for those of you who prefer not to download apps and software

Is this suitable for everyone?

Many difficulties people are facing can be worked with online. One of the biggest challenges to working in this way would be a lack of confidence using technology. You will also need to find a safe confidential space where you won't be disturbed for each session you will be meeting with the therapist/counsellor. Many therapists/ counsellors during their initial conversations will give you the opportunity to explore if this feels like the most suitable way of working for you.

Why might I decide online counselling as opposed to face to face?

There are many reasons people choose online counselling. It offers a solution to various difficulties that can be associated with accessing counselling face to face. Check out my therapy page for more information.

Some of the things you might enjoy about online therapy are:
• You can create a comfortable and private space in your own home from which to attend therapy.
• You may find it easy to talk, focus and express yourself.
• You may enjoy wearing comfortable clothes, bringing a cup of tea and avoiding a commute after a therapy session.
Your pet is welcome to join you; however, we will need to be mindful of them distracting us (I have a soft spot for pets especially dogs!)
• There can be more flexibility with appointments
• Support can continue despite the pandemic.

What should I look for when choosing a therapist/counsellor who works online?

I mentioned in a previous blog that counselling within the UK is not a regulated profession. There are training providers such as ACTO who make sure counsellors have the right training to work online. I am a professional member of their accrediting body, so checking out where therapist/ counsellors trained to work in this way is really important. ACTO (Association for Counselling and Therapy Online) has a list of their members here.

Working online has been said to have the same success rate and positive outcomes as face to face counselling but there are definitely differences and things to be mindful of.  Please check out my previous blog which covers 10 things to consider when choosing a counsellor. ​
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 Working with me online.

As with all therapy/counselling irrespective of the way it is accessed. I offer a free 20-minute consultation over the telephone to give you the chance to answer any questions you might have. It gives both of us a chance to get to know each other better. A quick chat over the phone means you can see whether you feel a natural 'click'.

Don't feel pressured to decide right away take as much time as you need. If you do decide to work with me I will send a contract which talks about how I work confidentiality. There is also an assessment section which helps me to gain a better understanding of where you are at and what you would like to gain from therapy/counselling

Still have questions or want to discuss this further 

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I was recently saddened by a comment made by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex's post ''If you’re home and feeling bored, during the ongoing coronavirus crisis doing short online training courses to become a counsellor' These comments are dangerous and have the potential to cause harm

In the UK counsellors are not under statutory regulations meaning there are no laws to prevent people without skills and training calling themselves counsellors. Many online courses can be used to fool people into thinking when these are completed they can work with people who are feeling particularly vulnerable.

Therapists/Counsellors adhere to high ethical and practice standards to ensure they help their clients to improve their psychological wellbeing

1) Do your research

Check any therapists/counsellors you've come across are a Registered member of an awarding body. You may have noticed a few logos BACP and ACTO who are the awarding bodies I belong too. The BACP and ACTO have registers you can use to check this out. It can provide reassure and comfort that you are in safe hands.

2) Ask questions about qualifications

In the UK a counsellor should have gained a degree or at a minimum, a level 4 diploma.

3) Ask about the length of the training and what it entailed

If the 'therapist/counsellor' was able to gain their qualification within 10 minutes it is not enough. Most reputable courses have minimum requirements and standards to meet before achieving the qualification. I had therapy myself for almost 2 years (the length of my training) to make sure I had processed anything going on for me. I also had to complete 100 client hours for my diploma course.

4) Check they have regular supervision
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This is really important and forms part of ensuring clients the best possible care and support, that counsellors are working in the best interest of those they work with.

All therapists/counsellors should have monthly supervision with a qualified supervisor to make sure that they are working ethically.

5) Are they working within their competency level?

When people decide they are going to access counselling it can be for a range of reasons, bereavement or self-harm for example. You might want to find out about any additional training or experience they have in any areas they could be connected to what is bothering you.

All therapists/ counsellors should be committed to developing their skills and knowledge, Many awarding bodies state a minimum number of hours continued professional development they are required to complete each year.

If they don't have experience or training in an area that you are struggling with it does not mean they won't be able to support you but allows you to decide what feels right for you and make an informed decision.

6) Find out how they work.

I work face to face offering a confidential, safe environment as well as working online via webcam or telephone

There is no need to decide on one rigid approach or way of working, it is about meeting your needs so if life demands get in the way of you attending face to face, if you feeling unwell, like you could do without travelling then we could combine the two

I work short term and on an open-ended basis.

7) Don't feel pressured to make a decision right away

The decision to seek counselling can feel scary and unsettling, Finding a therapist/ counsellor that is the right match for you is really important.

It is, for this reason, I offer a free 20 - minute consultation over the telephone to give you the chance to answer any questions you might have. It gives both of us a chance to get to know each other better. A quick chat over the phone means you can see whether you feel a natural 'click'.

Don't feel pressured to decide right away take as much time as you need. Take the time to speak to at least 2 - 3 therapists initially so you have a good point of comparison to work with and who you feel most comfortable with.

8) Trust your instinct

Research has shown that taking note of your gut feeling and what feels right for you is paramount. There’s no hard and fast rule when it comes to defining a connection. Sometimes it’s there, other times it's not, so trust your gut as much as you can

The relationship between you and the therapist/counsellor influences the success and outcomes of the process.

The relationship with your therapist /counsellor needs to be based on trust. It's important you feel comfortable sharing time and space with them each week. It also means feeling comfortable enough to tackle the painful stuff too.

In my view it's a privilege when someone chooses me as their therapist, trusting me during those times they are feeling immense personal pain.

9) Read your contract

The contract between you and the therapist/counsellor sets out important aspects such as confidentiality, privacy policies and what happens if you can’t make a session. Make sure you read this carefully and ask any questions that you need to in order to feel comfortable going forward.

1O) Be wary of therapists/ counsellors that offer too many reassurances or guarantees

There are no guarantees with counselling! You should discuss goals and your counsellor will explore with you your hopes and where you would like to get too. One of the questions I ask in the assessment looks at this, something to consider from the outset, however, these may change throughout the process but no one can offer you a guaranteed outcome.

You may not feel you need to ask all of these questions, there are no set rules but the most important thing is that you feel that you can. Remember that there is never any obligation to continue with a counsellor, if at any point you feel unsafe or uncertain you can bring it to an end. You should feel empowered and able to take charge.

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