Stop Playing Small: Why "Just Be Confident" Never Worked for You

Just be more confident!"
How  many times have you heard that advice? Whether it was before a job interview, asking someone out, or standing up to that colleague who keeps taking credit for your work. And how many times did you think, "Great, thanks. Why didn't I think of that?" while internally screaming because if you could just be confident, don't you think you would be already?

Here's what nobody tells you: confidence isn't a switch you flip. It's something you build, brick by brick, through understanding how you got here and what actually works. Whether you're struggling with low self-esteem, anxiety, or feeling like you're not enough, 

​The Confidence Myth That's Keeping You Stuck (Understanding Low Self-Esteem)

I used to think confident people were just born different. Like they had something special going on for them to have their say in meetings, negotiate their salary, or walk into rooms like they owned them. If you're living with social anxiety, imposter syndrome, self-doubt, you've probably wondered the same thing. Turns out, that's not how it works.
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Real confidence isn't about convincing everyone else you're capable—it's about knowing you can handle whatever comes your way. And that knowing? It comes from evidence, not affirmations. This is so importance if you are questioning your worth.

You're Teaching People How to Treat You (Whether You Realise It or Not)

Here's something that changed everything for me: every interaction is a teaching moment. When your boss dumps last-minute work on you and you say "no problem!" while dying inside, you're teaching them that your time isn't valuable. When you laugh along with jokes that make you uncomfortable, you're teaching people that disrespecting you is fine.

This isn't your fault. Most of us learned these patterns young. But recognizing this is powerful because it means you can start teaching different lessons. (Learn more about setting healthy boundaries)

Why You Keep Playing Small (And How to Stop)

Playing small feels safe, but it's actually suffocating. You know that voice that says "Who am I to speak up?" or "I should wait until I'm more qualified"?
That voice isn't protecting you—it's keeping you trapped. I see this with clients all the time: brilliant people who apologize for taking up space, who have amazing ideas they never share.

Here's the truth: you don't feel ready because you haven't given yourself the chance to prove you can handle it.

What Actually Works (And Why Therapy Helps with Self-Worth Issues)

The real work isn't about becoming someone new—it's about unlearning old patterns that aren't serving you. This is where therapy becomes incredibly valuable for building genuine self-esteem and addressing anxiety. I blend different types of therapy to suit you. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy tools can be a game changer, and personal development work can help you understand and change these patterns.

Here's what actually builds genuine confidence: 

• Start with tiny promises to yourself. Can you commit to a 10-minute walk every day? Can you speak up once in your next meeting? These small wins build evidence that you can trust yourself. 
• Learn to sit with discomfort. Confidence isn't about not feeling scared—it's about feeling scared and doing it anyway.
• Struggling with these steps? This is exactly where professional support makes a huge difference. Book a free introductory call to discuss how therapy can help you build genuine confidence.

Your Next Move 

If you're tired of waiting for confidence to magically appear, start where you are. Pick one small area where you've been playing small and take one tiny action today. Maybe it's speaking up in that meeting. Maybe it's saying no to something you don't want to do.

You don't need to feel ready to begin. You just need to begin to start feeling ready.
Ready to take the next step? If you're tired of confidence tips that don't work, create change that lasts.

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